sad? emotional? emo?
and i’m not sure i like. gaaahh what’s wrong with me.
i’ve been listening to utada hikaru’s passion and this is what happened to me. well maybe it has nothing to do with it. but now i want to do a kingdom hearts fanart badly. too bad i can’t draw.
anyone want to make me one?

feels crazy, feels like flying.
i must have eaten something.. excessive medication maybe since i’m having a flu. arrrr feels weirdddddd.. i’m weirdddd.

i think i need to sleep.

left behind.

i don’t know what i’m doing.
i don’t know what i want to do.
i don’t know what i need to do.

well, actually i DO know what i want to do.
and i DO know what i need to do.
yet..

..i don’t know. i feel crazy.
i feel stupid. i feel unworthy.
i feel i’m not being thankful.
i feel i’m not functioning like i have to,
like i used to. 

i feel.. confused. 

..GOD HELP MEEE!!! 

it’s been a while since i start my break from art.
and i have to say it feels kinda weird to stay "far" from it..

someone i respect, a friend, said something that i need to hear, not something that i want to hear.. all this time, with or without realizing it i have put my art on a higher priority than my college/education. i’ve got a passion in art ever since i was a kid and i’ve said to myself that one day i’ll walk that path, the path of art. something distracted me from taking a major in art in uni. i still kinda regret that ever since but with that also came a thought that everything happened for a reason. no "regret".

i tried to focus on my education, college, but i just can’t dedicate my whole self and thought to it. maybe i just didn’t try hard enough.. then one day i discover DA. i didn’t pay attention the first time i signed up and chose this username of mine. only a couple of months later i began to show interest in it. after that the part of me that long sleep inside began to awaken and so i started this journey.

it never occurred to me at first that my works, my art, could actually mean something. never came to my mind that my art could inspire others, could make others happy, and even change someone’s life. i always want to do something for others but i never thought that i could do it through my art. knowing that, i’m happy. really happy. this is my dream.

but then maybe i got lost in my dream. i hung it a little bit too high. until someone saw it kindly zapped me back to reality.

do you have what it takes to be an artist? do you have what it takes to do a living out of your art? do you have the courage?
..yes i do. i know the consequences and i’m willing to take that.
but then, are you being rational? are you not being egotistical by pursuing what you want without taking into consideration your future family? can you feed them, nurture them, give a well-deserved life with your art?
..i’ve talked about that with my parents before. i know it would be hard but if i don’t try how can i know..
you’re a dreamer. just because you have sold a couple of prints you think you have solved everything.
..i never thought like that..
you got your priorities all messed up. don’t you think that your education, your college, deserves a higher place than you so-called art?
..well i admit that i do place it below my art but…
be realistic. you’re not picasso. you don’t sell your art for 20 million a piece. you don’t even have your own name. people don’t even know you. and you still dare say that you want to live with your art?
…
why not see what’s in front of you and stop daydreaming already? you’re almost at the end of a journey and soon you’ll start another one. why not pay attention to it and let go of your illusion?
..i don’t want to spend my whole life doing something i don’t want to do and regret not doing what i want to do..
it’s not that i want to shatter your dream whatsoever but i just want you to see the reality. art is not that appreciated here. your chances are slim. an online gallery with hundred, thousands, millions of statistics won’t help you feed your family. get real.
you’re good. but you’re not that good.

..maybe he hates me. but maybe he’s just care too much for me. maybe he’s just trying to be nasty. but maybe he’s trying to help me. his words froze me. i’m angry. i’m mad. ..but i could see his point somehow.. and i began to question that as well..

..is it that wrong to pursue your happiness?
or is what you thought to be your happiness is actually not your happiness? …what is your happiness?

i looked at my gallery after that and i feel sad. i used to love it, so much, but when i saw it that time, i don’t like it. i’m even close to hate it. maybe i’m just getting all consumed with what he said before but i know what i’m feeling: i don’t like it.. i was going to delete them all at first but i tried to be calm and decided to just put them in storage. thoughts coming to my mind soon after. he’s right.. it’s hard to admit, but he’s right.
i’m good. but i’m not that good.

and then..
i started to hate my art.
i started to hate my life.
i started to hate myself.
i want to blame him for making me feel like this. i want to scream and yell at his face, don’t ruin my dream just because yours is ruined! you’re just jealous because you don’t have a dream. go find someone else and just leave me alone.
but i can’t. ..because deep inside i know he’s right.

someone once said to me, your art will take you far.
but can i take my art far..?

i really want to say i still got my spirit high, that his saying just made me feel more certain with my art. but this time i just can’t. funny how i could say lifting words to other who feel down yet i couldn’t lift myself when i’m down.

art is my escape but this time art itself is the reason why i want to escape. i don’t know whether i’m gonna leave it forever or not. giving it up seems like giving one part of myself up.. but if that’s what actually best for me then i hope at least i could say a proper goodbye..

but then, to me, giving up a dream is close to giving up a life and i don’t want to spend my life living a hollow life. that’s why i think maybe i just need to take a pause, not taking a full stop. i need to clear my mind and charge my spirit so i could see things they are, not they way i want them to be.

i learn that whenever in doubt never be hesitant to make a decision. you don’t want to regret what you’ve choose later because then you’re gonna feel that you’ve wasted your life. you don’t want that. life is too precious to be wasted. :]

is there really no way to like what one hate dislike?
an old story it is, but i still haven’t figure out the solution yet.
most of the answers i got from giving the same question before lead to ‘just do it first’, but still that doesn’t change the fact that i hate dislike it but i just have to do it. and that’s torturing me. and no, i don’t have any other options.

f*ck.

—

apakah memang tidak ada cara untuk dapat menyukai apa yang dibenci tidak disukai?
cerita lama emang, tapi ga dapet-dapet solusinya.
sebagian besar jawaban yang pernah saya terima dari pengajuan pertanyaan yang sama sebelumnya mengarah ke ‘jalanin dulu aja’, tapi tetep aja itu tidak mengubah fakta bahwa saya membencinya tidak menyukainya namun saya tetap harus melakukannya. dan itu menyiksa. dan saya tidak punya pilihan lain.

f*ck.